Mike’s Dump

December 27, 2005

Ok Fine. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Filed under: Home — mikesdump @ 8:50 am

There are few things in this world that are truly evil. War, greed and
disease are a few I would characterize as class “A” evil. These evils
are the worst of the worst and something that humanity will hopefully
one day be able to put behind us.

Next you get into class B evil which is lesser than class A but still
serious. Under this category I have Brittany Spears, liver and onions,
most TV advertisements, and winter.

Yes that’s right, for several months every year Canadians are forced to
live through the evil know as winter. Here in Alberta we are doing our
part to contribute to global warming which should help reduce the
effects of this evil but we will never be free of it.

There are probably some nonbelievers out there thinking that winter is
great. Making a snowman, snowball fights and everything looks “so
pretty”. Let’s examine these.

Snowman
Who is the most famous snowman? Frosty the snowman, right? Frosty is
pure evil. For starters he smokes a pipe. What kind of message are you
sending to my kids? It is ok to smoke if your lungs are made of snow
and you have a heart of ice? What about second hand smoke? If that
isn’t evil enough I heard whenever Frosty gets pissed off his eyes of
coal start to glow red. Having red eyes is a true sign of evil in my
books.

Snowball Fights
Snowball fights may sound like fun but I can trace back to my childhood
they are in fact evil. When I was in elementary school in Saskatchewan
some friends and I got into a snowball fight at school during recess.
Having a snowball fight was against the school rules (probably because
it is evil) and we all knew it.

I packed my snowball nice and tight. I wound up with all my might and
hurled it. SMASH! I hit one of the other guys in directly in the face.
This was a very proud moment for me because my aim is so bad I have
trouble hitting myself in the face with a snowball. The kid I hit went
crying to a teacher and we all had to go to the principle’s office
after school. This happened more than 20 years ago in the good old days
where children could be beaten until they obeyed.

The principle worked us over psychologically really well telling us how
normally they give kids “the strap” ten times across the hands. If they
pass out before the end they would wait until the kid regained
consciousness before resuming the beating (I’m serious! (That is what
he said anyways)). A couple of the guys were already crying from
having the scenario run through their heads. As the principle talked he
kept cracking “the strap” across his desk, which sounded like a
bullwhip in the crowded office.

One by one each guy received his first hit. Then it was my turn. CRACK!
I looked at my hand and it was red, swelling and sore. (After everyone
was hit once we were told this time we would be given just one hit but
next time it would be ten.) This experience is something I will never forget. Maybe the punishments aren’t as strict as
they use to be for snowball fights but this doesn’t mean they are any
less evil.

“So Pretty”
I’ll admit for a while during winter when everything is white it looks
very nice. Mounds of crisp white snow everywhere and the tree branches
so full it would just take a tap to knock it all down (which leads to
another evil. How evil this act is depends on whom you are doing it
too). You have to realize eventually spring will come and all the snow
will turn into dirty, disgusting slush. This is evil. To put it another
way think of snow like a nice butt. It may be nice to look at for a
while but sooner or later there is going to be crap and you aren’t
going to want to be around for that.

These are just a few examples of the evils of winter and there are many
more. With all the evidence laid before you, you can’t possibly argue
that winter is anything but a class B evil.

But Mike, the title of the post is “Ok Fine. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow”.

I feel it is important for Isabelle to learn winter is evil. Without
her own experiences she would likely question my judgment and maybe
venture off and get into a “crazy” snowball fight. If it snows soon I
can take her out so she can use her new GT snow racer and learn first
hand how evil the season is. Of course I will have to demonstrate
several times how to safely drive a GT snow racer down the hill. No
matter how much fun I may appear to be having this is all about
Isabelle learning a valuable lesson.
GT Snow Racer

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December 18, 2005

Merry Christmas = Happy Holidays = Have a Nice Day

Filed under: Home — mikesdump @ 6:50 am

At what point did the world go completely mental? Previously I accused
geeks of finding a way to always find an argument
but this is obviously
not limited to the coolest people on the planet.

Year after year this topic gets more time on the news.
People get all fired up over saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry
Christmas.

Retailer X is saying Happy Holidays and not Merry Christmas. Customers are outraged and planning a boycott. More at 6:00 pm.

Politician A is excessively politically correct and said “Happy Holidays”. Protesters get violent. Film at 11:00 pm.

Talk about overreacting (these are not real headlines… I hope). People are not substituting Merry Christmas
with “screw you moron I hope you drown in eggnog and I told your kids I
shot Santa”. To me there is no difference between saying Merry
Christmas, Happy Holidays or Have a Nice Day. If said sincerely I
believe in all three cases the message is the same.

But Christmas is part of our North American culture everyone should be saying Merry Christmas.

You are right! I think to solve this problem we will start striping
immigrants of their identities when they enter the country and program
them accordingly. After all, this multiculturisum stuff is a load of
crap anyways. For those of you nodding in agreement please sign up for
Sarcasm 101 at your local community collage. You must feel since we
were the “first” people in North America only our customs should apply,
right?

Culture! Christmas has nothing to do with North American culture. This is a Christian religious holiday.

Um, right. I’m feeling some more sarcasm coming. Where in the bible does it say that you should put up a Christmas tree?

That’s easy. Genesis chapter 6 verse 15.
“This is how you shall make it: the length of the ark three hundred
cubits, its breadth fifty cubits, and its height thirty cubits”
Oh wait. I’m sorry that was the ark. Maybe it was somewhere near the
back. I’ll find it yet (That would make one awesome tree though
wouldn’t it?).

Now I know there are people out there that think about their religion
more than at present time and chocolate egg time and I am not trying to
make fun of you. I would only suggest that over the years the meaning
of Christmas has changed for many people like the way the meaning of
some words have changed. For example a hundred years ago you could
probably say, “wow, your son sure is gay” and it be taken as a
compliment. When was the last time you told someone they are gay
because they are happy?

If Christmas could be one thing to all people I wish it could be this.
I wish it could be a few weeks a year where instead of giving someone
the finger for cutting you off in traffic you slowed down to let them
in. I wish it were a time where instead of pointing at laughing at
someone who has slipped and fallen people rush to see if they are ok. I
wish it were a time where we thought more about others than we do
ourselves.

The next time someone looks you in the eyes, smiles and says happy
holidays say thank you and return a greeting that suits you. I
think mine this year will be “don’t shed tears just drink some beers”.

December 17, 2005

I Don’t Stink

Filed under: Home — mikesdump @ 3:11 am

Last night a bunch of us from work went out for some food, beer and
pool at a local pub. It was a great time. My pool playing skill level
reached new heights this year as a result I made it to the second round
(when I say “skill level” I really mean luck since this was the first
time I ever played 9 ball).

The most entertaining moment for me was when I left to go home. I sat
down in the van after fighting through the thick cloud of smoke just
outside the doors. There must have been twenty smokers huddled around
the door puffing the night away. When I sat in the van I realized, I
don’t stink. Well, to clarify I didn’t smell like an ashtray.

It was good to leave a pub and not have all fourteen layers of clothing
I’m wearing this time of year reek like smoke. In the olds days I’d
strip off the fourteen layers of clothing, tossed them into the
fireplace and lay down in bed. After laying down it would take a second
before I noticed and I would think; is it going to be easier to shave
my head bald and over or get up and have a shower. Lather rinse repeat,
lather rinse repeat, lather rinse repeat´┐Ż Before the smell of cigarette
smoke was everywhere, there was no escaping it

When I leave a pub nowadays I’ll only smell like what I ate and drank.
On the extra special occasions a third smell is possible which is what
I ate and drank combined coming back up.

December 10, 2005

Word’s Safe Mode

Filed under: Home — mikesdump @ 10:30 am

I complained last about an error message from Microsoft Word a few
months back
.
I recently found this gem to add to my collection. Word has a Safe
mode. Maybe this is old news to some of you but I found it surprising.
How could a word processor get to the point where it is so complex it
needs a “Safe Mode”?

Word Safe Mode

I would assume the safe mode attempts to disable plug-ins that have
gone wild or something but would the average user have a clue what to
do when receiving an error message like this? (I’ve known users that
didn’t know what to do when prompted with a dialog, which only has an
“OK” button.)

Maybe Microsoft thought having a safe mode for Windows has been such a
success they said, “Hey, let’s add a safe mode to Word too.”

As dumb as I think the message is it made me laugh and that is what is really important.

Here is a couple of links that actually have something intelligent to say about Word’s safe mode.

http://support.microsoft.com/?kbid=827706
http://wordprocessing.about.com/od/troubleshootin1/qt/safemode.htm

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